Love To Hatred
I don’t know what I’m meant to say to you when your not here anymore. I don’t know how I’m meant to act or what I’m meant to say. I don’t know what to say when someone mentions your name. I don’t how you expect me to continue life when you chose not to. I don’t know how I’m meant to feel. I don’t know whether I should be angry or upset or hurt or frustrated. Or if I should be confused or betrayed. I don’t know if I’m meant to feel all these things at once. I don’t know how you could leave someone who you promised you would always be there for by choice.
I don’t know how less than 72 hours after I celebrated the happiest day of your life with you, I would be finding out ill never hug you again or that it would be my last goodbye. Or smell your after shave again. Or hear your voice again. I don’t know how I sat next to you at breakfast the day after you said I do, to then be sitting across from your coffin screaming I miss you.
Maybe if I wasn’t so selfish and got mum to come and get me when she said she would to see you, maybe it would have made some difference. Maybe you would still be alive today. But all we can do is ponder all the what ifs and keep running in never ending circles without ever getting any real answers.
All you have done is stop your pain. You didn’t stop our pain. From guilt to anger, from hatred to love, I’m torn. Do I stay angry at you or do I forgive you and move on?
I have never agreed with the solution you found to ease your pain. I find that it is the most inhumane way to deal with your problems. Yes I know you were hurting but now so am I. You knew we were all there for you. You knew you could have gotten away from them all and stayed with us up here for a bit until you felt ok with yourself but you didn’t. You know we would have understood. I know it’s easier said than done but this is on you. All of my pain and resentment is on you. You were seeking help yet still took the easy way out.
You left when things got hard and I don’t know how to forgive you for that. I don’t know how I am meant too. I love you I do but at the same time I resent and hate you and I don’t know how to get past this. And I don’t know if I ever will…